Post by Spotting Abuser on First Date on Feb 16, 2013 8:12:58 GMT -5
Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and
narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying
marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic
experience of an abusive relationship?
Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be abuser. Here's how:
Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses –
his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap
on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal
responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he
keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the
government, or fortune for his predicament?
Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly
slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he
treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express
negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy,
the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history
of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and
infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?
Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry
him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on
your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love
of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy,
almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at
another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should
abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal
autonomy)?
Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he
ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or
selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he
disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument
of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls
you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal
belongings while waiting for you to get ready?
Does he control the situation and you compulsively?
Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money,
the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are
away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does
he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting")
– or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things – even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?
Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner
and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults
(devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills
(idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you,
from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?
Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel"
good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make"
him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke"
him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.
Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have
fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out
of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or
finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally –
does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately
diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then switch
to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you
gifts?
If you have answered "yes" to any of the above – stay away! He is an abuser.
<map name="amenuB"></map> Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble!
narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying
marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic
experience of an abusive relationship?
Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be abuser. Here's how:
Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses –
his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap
on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal
responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he
keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the
government, or fortune for his predicament?
Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly
slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he
treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express
negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy,
the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history
of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and
infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?
Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry
him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on
your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love
of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy,
almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at
another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should
abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal
autonomy)?
Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he
ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or
selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he
disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument
of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls
you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal
belongings while waiting for you to get ready?
Does he control the situation and you compulsively?
Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money,
the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are
away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does
he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting")
– or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things – even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?
Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner
and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults
(devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills
(idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you,
from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?
Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel"
good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make"
him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke"
him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.
Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have
fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out
of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or
finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally –
does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately
diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then switch
to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you
gifts?
If you have answered "yes" to any of the above – stay away! He is an abuser.
<map name="amenuB"></map> Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble!